What I really should be doing is sleeping!!!

The past couple of days have been kind of a blur or at least right now that's how my brain is putting them. My oldest brother Zach came home because he had to pick up some information on his SUV that he just bought, for example his registration and tags and title and all the yummy goodness of buying a car. On his way up he was in an accident and wracked into the back of an old school jeep, but managed not to get hurt (which was by the grace of God). He got up to our house and wasn't in the greatest of moods, and a bunch of stuff went down and basically told my parents that he might not even come up for Thanksgiving. It really hurts especially coming from him, our family has been really close for all my life and it wasn't until recently that we all have drifted apart, but he isn't the first brother that I've "lost!" He's actually the second. I'm trying to let God handle it and be the one to control the matter, but God has proved himself to Zach so many times, and he still hasn't gotten it. I know my parents could have said somethings a little differently and we all could have but Zach has been walking away from  Him for awhile. When he first left for boot camp he was so close to God and then once he passes after his like 5th try and he went to Mississippi then that's when everything changed.

I could say that no of my brother's have been the real church goer type, but they used to put effort into it. Zach used to love coming to church and maybe it's because of his friends, but I can't really say. There are some many times in our lives where we get sucked into the rhythm of going that we really forget why we started going in the first place. It wasn't because of our friends, well maybe at first, but once you really found your place you knew without a doubt that you were so close to Him. After a while of getting used to it you lose sight of where you started you forget the key essentials of it all. I know I have been there more than once and sometimes in order to find your way back you have to start with a fresh slate and refocus. Most of the time I found that the things that got you so close the first time aren't the same the second time. God likes to do things different every time that way it makes you have to trust Him and just know that He is going to take care of it all. I have to remind myself about that from time to time, but when you find your grove again, it's like nothing can tear you away from Him. Sometimes in order to appreciate the best things in your life you have to step back from it all and get a real view and say okay, God is really giving me an eye opener!!!

SO LITTLE TO DO SO MUCH TIME!! WAIT REVERSE THAT

I know I haven't been keeping up on my writing and I should because there is a ton of stuff going on and it's so hard to keep it all bottled up!!! My trip to Panama this summer was pretty intense, not like Trinidad but it is classified in its own way!!! I intense, not like Trinidad but it is classified in its own way!!! I met some pretty amazing men and women of God and it really had me thinking about where I'm supposed to be and where God is putting me in the future!! So many times we are so impatient and we want everything right now, but that's not how God works!! It was the night before I was supposed to leave for CBC and my mom told me she couldn't drive out with me to CBC and I didn't have a problem with that, but I was just keeping everything bottled in and it was ready to explode. My dad and I were loading my car and everything was just not fitting and I had a melt down. I was so stressed, I didn't know if I was going to have enough for one semester, two, whole year, two years, or four years and I had reached my breaking point!!! 

I thought I had my whole life figured out but there was a monkey wrench throw into my plans!! Needless to say I decide that the best thing for me was to spend this semester at home taking online classes which is sooo hard but you just have to stay determined which I have been trying so hard to do. Anyway, the other night I was talking to my mom and I told her I was planning on spending the summer with my Nona and Poppy in NH and that way it would give me time to think about if I really wanted to transfer or not!! And she reminded me of Panama and how I really wanted to go back! She talked about some stuff that I never told her and she really felt that she was supposed to tell me that I was supposed to go back! So now I'm at a crossroads again in my life on whether I go or whether I stay here in the States. It would be for 5 months but I know the Lord would have bigger plans for me there!! I'm putting in my application for YWAM this week and if it's where I'm supposed to be then God will make a way. But she said I could always pick up a couple of credits here and there if I really wanted to, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do!! I just have to pray a lot and really make a decision about it and stick to it and not doubt!! 

PANAMA

so i know that i haven't blog in a while and my mom was telling me about it yesterday.... we just got back from panama on Saturday to the fact that 6 of us didn't get our luggage again!!! so this is a recap of what happened on our trip....1. our luggage was lost and we didn't get it for 2 days...2. there was no water because a line was broken....3. there was amazing things that happened....4. a lot of children gave their hearts to Jesus!!!! everything was just beautiful, and when i get my pictures developed i will post some on my facebook or even on here!!! everything went great until the end when a lot of miscommunication mixed with drama!!! but it was when we were on our way home...... but I'm really debating whether or not i should do a DTS which is a discipleship training program with YWAM....... but I'm really praying about it. maybe ill go to CBC for a year and then go to YWAM for 6 months..... there is just a really big need down there and i really feel lead to go back and help spread the good news.... so just keep that in prayer.... thanks :D

Butterfly

CRAZY!!! Lately i have been really stressed and normally it's just me stressing myself out but this time it's Mass Media.... Mass Media is a class you can take at school and it teaches you how to make movies and put special effects and music in and what not!! Well for our final project we have to make and music video and I'm doing Take It All by Hillsong United. That's not what's stressing me!!!! It's that fact that when you set up a date to film and everyone at the last minute says that they can't do that is a little stressful.... as of right now I'm planning on filming tomorrow if people actually show up and if not then it's another rain date to make up!! I just hate it when you want something done and everything just gets in the way!!! I pray that God just gives me patience and i don't lose my top over this whole thing!!! I have a dream for it and i want it to be perfect because I'm the only thus far to do a christian music video out off my teachers ohhhh 16 years teaching!! But i know God hears me crying out and he will provide!!!

CRAZY

What a crazy life is this???!!!! Demands that are so high it's a wonder how we ever accomplish them!! It just amazes me how we have strength to face the day! But then I'm reminded of the song that we sing by Hillsong United....."And it's in your presence we find strength to face the day and all our sins are washed away...Hosanna, Hosanna you are the God who saves up worthy of ALL our praises!" I know at times I lack strength or I say somethings that I shouldn't and something I really struggle with is just trusting God to be my strength and not relaying on my own! This life is hard I know, it has so many ups and downs, but more times than not we have more downs than ups. I was reading "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson and in it he wrote "if we always have 'good days' then how would we ever know when are the GREAT days?" We always pray for those good days but if we never had a bad day then when could we point out where God really used up or when we really heard from Him? We couldn't! I guess we just have to see some light on those bad days and know that God is strengthening us through those experiences or situations! God never said life was going to be easy, take Jesus for example. His own friends betrayed Him. The same people that called Hosanna wanted him dead 5 days later!! But He did tell us that if you trust in Him, He will strengthen you and set you free. Freely He gave as we demanded and He is still giving....why? Because He loves us more than anyone ever could! Because in Him we find our strength and out refugee and our strong tower firm through any storm that Satan blows our way! I hope you had a blessed Easter and continue to seek Him even in the hardest of days! God bless!

i dont know

Its been really crazy around here lately!!! Everything just seemed to unorganized and stressful that I was being to feel like I was going crazy!!! But right now it seems that everything has pretty much slowed down and I can really concentrate for the first time in a while!!! Sometimes we run around like a chicken with our head cut off and we don't really put time aside to spend with God and I know everyone is guilty of it one time or another!!! But why??? My explanation is that Satan wants us to feel overwhelmed and stressed out so we don't do what God says or we don't hear from Him......on Friday I was running late to get home on the time that I promised my parents, when I saw her!! She had run off the road and was heading straight for a telephone poll, when I heard Him tell me "if you want help, you first have to help" the story behind that is this....since buying my first car it has failed me and broken down not once but 2-3 times!!! And both times it has been on streets where there was a medium size traffic and not one person stopped and asked me if I needed help!!!! So I pull off the road and get out of my car and see if this girl was okay!!! Thankfully she had stop just 2 inches shy of the telephone poll and was crying so bad I didn't know what to do!!! We call the police and the tow truck and everything is okay but as I'm driving home I realize that the next time that my car breaks down I can count on God to send me a helper!!! Besides my DAD :D

PANAMA

WOW so on Tuesday was our first official drama practice!! I was so excited and we ended up learning only one drama.....not to blame anyone but we just had a lot to talk about with all the newbs and what not!!!! But this week has been a really crazy. Today was really nice!!! We had a 1/2 day and I was supposed to leave for interning at like 10:30ish but my bus from ACE to school ended up not coming until 11!!!! Sometimes you just have to think positive but the sad part is I'm not seeing anything positive about that though!! :D everything just seems to be coming together for this summer and then college though!!! I got a call last Sunday during dinner and here it was the coach of the girls basketball team....and he wants to meet with me when we get out there......which is next month after all!!! It's like my whole summer is already planned out with everything that is going on!!! In a way it's kind of nice because then you know exactly what you are going to be doing and when you are going to be doing it!!! for now I'm waiting to go to lunch with the other interns and discuss JJAM for this week........then work and then home to sleep. Saturday morning I have to give molly a bath and then wash her blanket then to I M Experience and then York Rescue Missions with my mom and then home!!! Sunday I have to go to first service then to work and then home!!!! WOW who would have ever thought it would be this crazy........