NSYNC!! CRAZY I KNOW

Today I just found out that my best friend from like 3rd grade was accepted to PSU Harrisburg. We have been praying about it, and he knows it's the place where God is putting him, but he needed as sign. When he asked for one, God gave him one, but recently he was starting to doubt all over again. Yesterday I told him about my dream and how I was going no matter what!! Today I got online and there was a message from him, and my first thought was something is wrong, so I quick open up the email and here it was just telling me he was accepted. It's so awesome and amazing and I couldn't have asked for more!!! As of right now he is packing to come home from West Chester and I'm packing to leave for CBC!!! We are like in sync!!! It's weird but it's awesome at the same time. Our vow to each other was to make sure the other was focused at all times and we were making sure that everything that needs to be done is done for when we transfer home and to MO!!! It's an amazing feeling and I can't express how happy I am right now...

Tonight I was planning on going to 300 night at Frequency Youth and I got all ready and everything, but I realized I needed to spend some time with my family. We talked and made dinner and it was so awesome because those are the moments I love, yeah I'll miss it, but it's time for me to start my own and get some wind under my wings!!! God has His mysterious ways at times and I can't explain them better then anyone else can, but what I can tell you is that you just have to stay strong and be faithful to Him!!! He hears you, trust me He does, but He just needs you to tell Him what's going on and just need Him for Him. I would advice you though, never just praise Him in the worst times, be sure to thank Him for all the joyful times, like making dinner with your family, or getting the answer that you needed!! Life can get so bonged down at times, but make sure you take time everyday for Him, whether it's getting up an hour earlier to do devo's or right before bed, make time for Him. Talk to Him all through out your day and I know from experience that it helps and it even makes your day that much better!!! So stay strong you were made for this!!! 

Hunt For....Peace

Recently I have been second guessing my calling and last night I finally found what I was looking for! I wanted a sign from God, that would tell me and without a doubt about it!! I have been really praying about it and I had a dream last night that had to be from God. I was walking with someone, I didn't see who it was, but the voice sounded so familiar. We stopped in front of a school and he told me "This is where I have put you. You have let people and things distract you from where I want you and where I have told you to go. I have put you here for you to grow and become closer to me, now don't doubt what I have for you. Trust in me and I will direct your path and you'll find a peace in only me! Stay focused and no more distractions Carolyn." I woke up and I wanted to find out if it was CBC and there were parts that I didn't remember but I looked at all the pictures and it was CBC!!! I'm just going to focus on Him and His plans for my life and not let anything interfere with them. Nothing is going to get in my way from being with Him. I have such a peace about it and I finally feel like I know where I belong. 

There are times where we want all the answers and we want to know right now, but that's not how God rolls. God works in His timing and only His. That's the best part, we don't always have to know everything and all we have to do is trust in Him and we will direct our paths to where He is leading us!! Right now everything is lining up perfectly and all I have to do is pray and then talk to my mom. She had me write up a list of things that I was interested in this weekend and I really didn't know. I really had no clue who I was lately, and last night we talked about my list and we were both frustrated and upset, but I just made me cry out to Him even more and made me realize that I didn't have my peace and I was walking around in the dark. This morning ever since I woke up I have a peace and I just finally feel right again!!! I love this feeling, and it's frustrating when you don't have it...but when you find it again, it's like your world and everything is perfect. Not that it's perfect, but you have a peace and a realization that you don't have to know everything!!! And that's the best part!!! The verse that just popped into my mind was Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For  I know the plans I have for  you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray for me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all nations and places wehre I have banished you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

LIFE

Recently I've been feeling like my life's not on track and I know it's probably not where it should be, but it's a work in progress. I've been battling with a lot of things in just my own life and it's hard because you repent and try to move on, but it's like you can't forget about it and just move on! Or at least for me it is!! I know I've tried so many times and it's like I finally get in a good part of my life and I know where I'm supposed to be going and then I mess up and fall. I often times think though it's because I suspect it is going to happen and then it's like I let it happen! I just have to put my foot down and when something creeps in just pray and just get back to the closeness that I once had with Him. This past year has been so draining, and I've felt it since probably April. My senior year was coming to a wrap, and it was like everything was coming undone. I was interning and a lot of people were saying some hurtful things about me and then I started rethinking my calling, until the point where I had a major breakdown. It's like that all the time, over time I just let everything build up until I explode and have a major break down. It stinks and most times I don't know it's happening until it's too late and I'm starting to breakdown. 

The worst one so far was probably the night before I was supposed to leave for CBC, my dad and I were packing up my car because I was going to drive out there myself and I was saying good bye to him that night. Everything was packed in boxes and we were loading it up and I still had like a couple of bags of clothes that I needed and it just wasn't fitting and I finally broke down and told my mom everything that I was feeling and what was going on. Everyday I try to make an effort and so does she to talk about it and to just have a conversation about our days, and for now it is really helping, but I've been thinking about next semester and not having that. I think I'm going to be making a lot of calls home and talking to her probably everyday!! Or at least emailing her. I really appreciate my mom and my family in general and I couldn't ask for any other, yeah at times we may have our differences, but what family doesn't. We talk about it and get through it and move on. They are so supportive and that's what I need right now and I just need to trust God and just get closer to Him again and get back to where I was. It's going to be hard, but so worth it in the end and I'm ready and willing right now!! I just need to stay focused on Him and keep on trucking and believing!! Well time to head to slumbertown because tomorrow is a very busy day. 1. I have to get up at like 3:3o to take my dad to work, 2. I'm having lunch with my high school Spanish teacher, Senora Skinner, 3. I have an interview with Target about a job, 4. I'm helping my friend, Shaynia with my old cheerleading team with practice for the upcoming parade next Tuesday!! So busy, busy, busy....I'm just glad I had a nice night, I went to Starbucks with my friend since 3rd grade, Sarah, to just chat and catch up and we are in the same boat. We are both leaving for college in January, and we are only like 3-6 hours apart how cool is that. We are both going to bible colleges and loving the Lord, but we both need to get our closeness back!! Well anyway good night to all.... :D

Timing Is Everything

(left my precious brothers and I)
I feel very accomplished today. I got everything done that I wanted to do, but in the process I received an injury!! I was rearranging my room and I went to move my bed across the room. I was giving it one last push into place and my leg slipped and WHACK!!! My knee went right into my headboard!! It's still swollen and black and blue which I don't think is good, but I've been icing and heating and I don't think there is anything more I can do. I'm just praying that it heals in one piece and smoothly!!! Not to mention quickly!! Things have been going a little better around here, but there is just so much going on and it's crazy!!!

Chris broke the washer, by over load, then the boys are starting basketball and then there is my life, considering I have just about 7 weeks left here with my family and friends!! I can do this though and it's a new challenge and I can't wait to see where God puts me. I'm just ready to be done with online classes, they were good while they lasted but I need some human interaction!!! I have to say, being home these couple of weeks, I think is going to really benefit me in the end and I'm so excited!!! One of my best friends made a comment the other day when I was talking to him, and he said "I'm coming home and now you're leaving!!!" I've gotten a lot of that recently but I know right now that I'm in the right place with God and I'm going to keep moving on with Him to the next level!! Don't ask me about anything after this, because I don't know, but I'm open to where ever He puts me and that is the best place to be!!! 

What I really should be doing is sleeping!!!

The past couple of days have been kind of a blur or at least right now that's how my brain is putting them. My oldest brother Zach came home because he had to pick up some information on his SUV that he just bought, for example his registration and tags and title and all the yummy goodness of buying a car. On his way up he was in an accident and wracked into the back of an old school jeep, but managed not to get hurt (which was by the grace of God). He got up to our house and wasn't in the greatest of moods, and a bunch of stuff went down and basically told my parents that he might not even come up for Thanksgiving. It really hurts especially coming from him, our family has been really close for all my life and it wasn't until recently that we all have drifted apart, but he isn't the first brother that I've "lost!" He's actually the second. I'm trying to let God handle it and be the one to control the matter, but God has proved himself to Zach so many times, and he still hasn't gotten it. I know my parents could have said somethings a little differently and we all could have but Zach has been walking away from  Him for awhile. When he first left for boot camp he was so close to God and then once he passes after his like 5th try and he went to Mississippi then that's when everything changed.

I could say that no of my brother's have been the real church goer type, but they used to put effort into it. Zach used to love coming to church and maybe it's because of his friends, but I can't really say. There are some many times in our lives where we get sucked into the rhythm of going that we really forget why we started going in the first place. It wasn't because of our friends, well maybe at first, but once you really found your place you knew without a doubt that you were so close to Him. After a while of getting used to it you lose sight of where you started you forget the key essentials of it all. I know I have been there more than once and sometimes in order to find your way back you have to start with a fresh slate and refocus. Most of the time I found that the things that got you so close the first time aren't the same the second time. God likes to do things different every time that way it makes you have to trust Him and just know that He is going to take care of it all. I have to remind myself about that from time to time, but when you find your grove again, it's like nothing can tear you away from Him. Sometimes in order to appreciate the best things in your life you have to step back from it all and get a real view and say okay, God is really giving me an eye opener!!!

SO LITTLE TO DO SO MUCH TIME!! WAIT REVERSE THAT

I know I haven't been keeping up on my writing and I should because there is a ton of stuff going on and it's so hard to keep it all bottled up!!! My trip to Panama this summer was pretty intense, not like Trinidad but it is classified in its own way!!! I intense, not like Trinidad but it is classified in its own way!!! I met some pretty amazing men and women of God and it really had me thinking about where I'm supposed to be and where God is putting me in the future!! So many times we are so impatient and we want everything right now, but that's not how God works!! It was the night before I was supposed to leave for CBC and my mom told me she couldn't drive out with me to CBC and I didn't have a problem with that, but I was just keeping everything bottled in and it was ready to explode. My dad and I were loading my car and everything was just not fitting and I had a melt down. I was so stressed, I didn't know if I was going to have enough for one semester, two, whole year, two years, or four years and I had reached my breaking point!!! 

I thought I had my whole life figured out but there was a monkey wrench throw into my plans!! Needless to say I decide that the best thing for me was to spend this semester at home taking online classes which is sooo hard but you just have to stay determined which I have been trying so hard to do. Anyway, the other night I was talking to my mom and I told her I was planning on spending the summer with my Nona and Poppy in NH and that way it would give me time to think about if I really wanted to transfer or not!! And she reminded me of Panama and how I really wanted to go back! She talked about some stuff that I never told her and she really felt that she was supposed to tell me that I was supposed to go back! So now I'm at a crossroads again in my life on whether I go or whether I stay here in the States. It would be for 5 months but I know the Lord would have bigger plans for me there!! I'm putting in my application for YWAM this week and if it's where I'm supposed to be then God will make a way. But she said I could always pick up a couple of credits here and there if I really wanted to, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do!! I just have to pray a lot and really make a decision about it and stick to it and not doubt!!