Movin' On...

Today I had to start my packing for college, because I work both jobs for the next two days and then Saturday I'm leaving! It's a little packing up everything, but if you've moved as much as I have then it's kind of like nothing and it actually gets easy. I have a lot less stuff now to bring then I was trying to bring back in August. I have two containers, a bag of sheets, a bag of clothes, a hamper, stereo, and a bag for the hotel!! It's a little weird packing though. I mean don't get me wrong I can't wait to go, but right now it is setting in and I know I'm going to make it and be OK. It's just a little hard saying goodbye every time. I think though that I've gotten used to it and I'm starting to get better at it! I'll be back right after Easter so it's not too long of a semester. I have to get a couple more things on my list and then I'm set! I'm so excited. 

I know that God has plans for this new year and I can't wait to see where mine lead....I can't wait to see how God uses my life and where I'm at, at the beginning of 2010. Maybe I'm weird for thinking like that, but it gives you something to look forward too for the next year and some optimism. I pray that this year is better then the last and that I am not quick to assume that it's God, and to just pray and wait upon the Lord. God bless you and this next year for you!! Peace, Love, and Happiness!!

Christmas, Christmas Time for Cheer

A couple of months ago, I would have told you to bring on Christmas, but now I can't wait for the Christmas season to be over. I love Christmas and I love celebrating it, but this season is just crazy. When you work in retail it is the worst season for you, because you have the crazy customers, or the scam artist..What I don't understand is when these people are being mean do they find pleasure in it, or do they just do it to be spiteful? What is actually going through their mind when they hit that register and think that they can get a thirteen dollar DVD for four? I just don't understand it. I think the thing that bugs me the most is that people say Happy Holidays now instead of Merry Christmas.... I got an email from my mom the other day about what God would think about the whole situation and one thing that struck me is that He doesn't care about saying Happy Holidays, but that people actually know what they are celebrating and that is His son's birth. 

I was truly thinking about the concept and if it wasn't for Christians there wouldn't even be a Christmas to celebrate. We celebrate the birth of Jesus, but without Christians no one would celebrate and it would just be another work day in the year. Tomorrow is going to be crazy...I have to work from 7 to 3:15 and then rush home and get dressed and do my hair and makeup and be at church for the 5 o'clock service and then head over to my aunts for a celebration with my family. Then come home and go to bed around like 11 or later...It's always fun, but a little stressful when you're rushed around!! I think I'm going to take my time and make sure my family saves me a seat and get there when I get there. That way too I can show my family my new car!! YEAH!! Well good night and God bless...I hope you have a Merry Christmas and God continues to bless your life!! 

Christmas Eve Will Find You...

Today has been crazy busy to say the least....I woke up this morning and had to fly in the shower, because my parents had just taken one and so the water wasn't too hot and it was around 9:15 and in order for me to be ready in time for church I didn't really have a choice. I got out of the shower around 9:30 (I know it's a wicked long shower, but what can I say) and I flew upstairs to get ready. My parents went on before me and I had to quick get dressed (which I didn't know what I was going to wear and I must have changed my outfit 10 times), do something with my hair and attempt to put my makeup on all before 10...to say the least it didn't happen. I got dressed, but the hair issue was just to much and I ended up walking out without my makeup on or even in the bag!! I got to church when we were all greeting people and sat next to my amazing friends, that I'm going to miss dearly in 12 days!! 

After church I went home and got changed and I thought my parents had beat me home because I left church late because of course I was talking, but they weren't home. They had to stop at the store for groceries....When they got home, my mom realized that she forgot somethings, so out I went for the remaining balance, which I don't mind doing...I actually like it because it gives you some time to think and just be alone, and I also had to pick up cans as part of my agreement for getting my car. At the store I ran into a friend of my brothers and I and it was awesome. He graduated with my brother and he is the type of person that you bring home to meet your parents, whether you're a guy or girl. At first I didn't recognize him because he bleached his hair, but I knew his face from somewhere, and when he said hi I instantly remembered. We chatted for a couple of minutes and then we both had to run....

I love when you randomly run into people and you just get this feeling that everything is going to be ok. I think God puts people into your life like that at those random times to just remind you and personally it always works. God puts people in your life for reasons and seasons that we don't always know and we don't have to, but when you look back and think about it later on in life you understand why. It just amazes me and I'm so excited to see Mark in a couple of months or years, to see where he's at in his life or just what he's doing....I love the randomness of God, because He never does the same thing twice or when He sends little things your way and just reminds you of promises or just that He is still there!! God bless and have a Merry Christmas!! 

cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C!!

These past couple of weeks have been stressful and crazy to say the least!! Where to start, I finished my online classes, bought a new car, meet my roommate and lost her in the same day, got a new roommate, saw my mom sing again and what a peaceful time that was, and saw my brother before I left, and became friends with the most unlikely group of girls. Kristen, Ashley, and Emily are the best girls in the world. They are all a little lost, but not unreachable. Ashley and Emily are both expecting, and both are not married, but Jesus reached down and all I can do that is best is just pray. Ashley is 18 and Emily is 23, they are totally awesome and just funny and fun to be around. Kristen and I are leaving around the same time for college, except she is heading to Tampa to get her master's and I'm heading out west. We are all going to miss each other...

Last night I had a phone call telling me that I didn't have to work at SRT and so I decided I was going to see Gloria at our church, which was a concert with Travis Cottrell, Cindy Morgan and Shaun Groves. To say the least it was AMAZING!!! During the first half I sat between this lady who kept falling asleep during the concert and a little girl who yelled during half of it. I just tried to focus on God and Him moving in that place!! Then the second half I sat with my youth pastor and his wife and was able to just listen and just be aware of the spirit moving!! It was awesome....and on top of all that I was able to see my mom sing, which she enjoys and loves and it just brings joy to my heart... It also reminds me that I don't have much time left with my family and I'm going to make every moment enjoyable and remember able. 

I'm going to head to bed where I can dream sweet dreams about life and I'll fill you in on the details tomorrow when I have the strength and I'm not falling asleep at my computer!! God bless and have a Merry Christmas

Now The Goose Is On The Table...

I love this time of year, I really do, but I could really do without the added stress of everything! Tonight I spent the evening cleaning and getting my room ready for my grandparents to come down from Massachusetts. Every year since we moved into our house they have spend with us and as usual I have to give up my room and make the living room or basement my room for the next couple of days! My Nona likes to clean your house and move things around and not tell you where she put everything, because half the time she forgets, but you don't end up finding it until the next year and the item(s) go missing all over again! So if you want to know where your stuff is you have to hide it from her or give her something to do so she doesn't reorganize your house!! I miss my grandparents so much and I just love talking to them because they are a riot and you always learn something from them, whether it be history or a life lesson it somehow applies to your life!! My Nona was born in Italy and lived there until she was two years old. Her father was a shoe peddler and had come to America to help his children and he left his family behind in order to do so. My Poppy was born in Brooklyn and his grandmother was a bootlegger!! I remember all the stories from them and you never can get enough of them. The best story was how they met, I won't bore you with details but in order for my Poppy to marry my Nona he had to learn Italian and speak it with her father. They have been married for 52 years and are still in love today as they were when they first met! I hope to have a marriage like that someday, but for now I just want to start my life!! I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, I work from 10-4 and when I get off they should be here!! I'll fill you in with all the details of my eventful weekend!! God bless and goodnight!! 

Silly Willy

Today has been another eventful day to say the least. I got up this morning at seven and got ready and out the door to work I went. It's nice and weird having a job where the hours are crazy jumbled, but fun because I get to work with some really cool people. The only bad part about it is that I have to work 5:45 a.m-2:15 p.m. on Black Friday and that means I have to be up at like 4 to leave on time and be to work by like 5:20-30, that way I can park in our spots. I'm just bumming it as much as humanly possible!!! Maybe I'll take dad to work and then leave right after I drop him off. Tomorrow should be a fun day, I have work from 12-4 and then I'm going to help Sarah with her church function and I have to meet her at 5. 

I'm still so excited about next semester and I'm just counting down the days...42 days and counting!!! I'm talking to a lot of people from our church that are out there, some of which I usually don't get along with so it's a little weird talking to them. I think God put them into my life right now for reason and I'm not going to question Him, but I think it's a little strange!! Besides the point I was looking up some cool quotes about the Bible and I found this really cool one from C.S. Lewis and it goes "In most parts of the Bible, everything is implicitly or explicitly introduced with "Thus saith the Lord". It is... not merely a sacred book but a book so remorselessly and continuously sacred that it does not invite -- it excludes or repels -- the merely aesthetic approach. You can read it as literature only by a tour de force... It demands incessantly to be taken on its own terms: it will not continue to give literary delight very long, except to those who go to it for something quite different. I predict that it will in the future be read, as it always has been read, almost exclusively by Christians."  I thought it was really good and I figured I would share....Enjoy and my God truly bless your life! 

It's My Reason To Live....

Reason to Live and Scream by Zoegirl are probably the best songs that describe my life right about now!! They just describes everything that I'm going through and feeling right about now. Today was a good day in comparison to what I've been feeling lately. I got to sleep in for the second day in a row, and then I just started class, but unfortnely that didn't last long. I found this game that I used to play in like 10th grade in my one business class. I was bored out of my tree that day and it was the only thing that the school district didn't block. It's Spongebob SquarePants Collopse game and I've fallen in love with it! I get up to Level 10 and then everything ends. I could play  that game all day long and not get past level 10, but not get tired of it, which is pretty sad!! That's besides the point, so I played that for a couple of hours, when I got a call from my best friend since like 4th grade. We are both leaving next semester for our new homes out in Kentucky and Missouri for the next 5 months. We went to dinner and as usual I was late because I wasn't ready in time and I ended up leaving my house at like 5, when it takes me about half an hour to get anywhere from our house! So we met and I tell her that my whole next semester was paid for and she tells me that she got her whole schedule with all the classes that she wanted, so it was more of a celebration between us! I love those days. We planned that I was going to pick her up for breaks or I would visit her or she would come visit me! Since we are only about 3 hours apart, and it would be a sin if we didn't!! She is my best friend and sister and I'm so grateful to have her in my life everyday! We get each other and complete each other! I end my night on a good note and it feels good to be going to bed early today instead of the 2:15 that I went to bed last night at!! Now work tomorrow morning and then start cleaning for my Nona and Poppy who come down next week!! AHHH what a crazy life

Grace like Rain falls down on me....

Today I had a really great thing happen and yet a bigger bad one, if that makes any sense. I found out that I got the rest of my semester taken care of except for maybe a book or two, which I am perfectly fine with! I talked to my counselor about it and everything is taken care of when I get out there. The bad part of my day was getting into a disagreement with both my parents!! I had finally found my peace about everything and then that happens like always and it sets me back and hurts. I know where I'm supposed to be and God confirmed it all today, but these next couple of weeks is going to be challenging and going to be rocky!! I just have to pack up my computer/desk stuff, and my clothes that I'm taking out there!! Before I do anything though I have to find a newer car that way I can actually get out there in one piece and actually have a car!! You probably will be hearing from me a lot more. It's just I don't know if I should blog everyday or every couple of days or once a week! I feel that if I would blog everyday then I would only have little paragraphs, but that would be easy reading and quick and simple...okay maybe that's what I will do!! I'm still unsure, but we'll see. If I feel like I can't do the once a day thing then I'll switch back!! Right now though I'm just glad to see God's hand in all this and I'm just glad I can feel Him near again. Not as close as I once felt, but it's going to take time and I'm ready for it!! Patience young grasshopper! It reminds me of a song from the Music Train CD we have and it goes "have patience, have patience don't be in such a hurry" I have to look up the rest of the lyrics, but when I feel I need patience I just listen to that song and it helps so much...I think I'm going to be needing to listen to that song these next couple of weeks!! 

Let's take that road before...

I have been doing a lot of think lately and right now I finally feel like my life is back to normal, or what seems like normal in comparison to the hectic life I've been having recently!! I just couldn't get my life to settle down and this past week has been a real humbling experience!!! I have just been really struggling with a ton of stuff and then on top of it there was school work that I was doing from like 5-12 each night because I worked from 8-4, I didn't have time for my family or friends and I was hearing about it!!! I have no money until Friday when I get paid and I was trying to scrap up some change for gas money, which the only people who didn't mind to get change was the Hess at the Yocumtown exit!!! On Saturday I had to work from 8-4 and my gas light was blinking on the way up to work. All I could do was pray and I just layed it all out before God and I just prayed that He would just get me to work and then I could call mom and see if she could run me up a couple more dollars. You have to understand that I have a 1986 Chevy Cavalier and it is a gas hog in every way!!! That is besides the point! I called my mom's cell and of course it had died and so I left a message for her, which she never got until today!! So the whole way home I just prayed that God would give me enough gas to get home and I just sang worship songs all the way home. God provide as usual!! 

So to say the least I have been humbled!! I don't know but sometimes I, and I think everyone has these moments, but I just need to be humbled! I hate that it takes something so extreme for me, and that's always something I've struggled with! I just start doubting and I just suffer more and more each time it happens!! It takes that much more to get back to where I was... It hurts and I'm so tired of it and I know that I can't do that in the missions field because the devil will take full advantage of that and I'm just hoping that CBC will teach me and prove to me that there is no reason to doubt! I mean I know there is no reason to but I just hope it teaches me to just be so much stronger and I'm pretty sure it will!! But for right now it's just hard being home and all knowing that I'm not supposed to be home, but I know this was where I was supposed to be!! I just can't wait for January!! And it can't get here soon enough... 

Yellow...really?

The last couple of days have been very trying, crazy, hectic, and eventful to say the least! I started my new job at Target, I voted in my first election, found out some crazy news, classes, and dealing with my life as an 18 year old girl!!! I don't think the next 56 days is going to be any easier!!! Where to start is the next question!! Work: work it fun and I love my job so much. It was definitely a blessing from the Lord. I can save up again for my trip out to Missouri and hopefully a couple of months to get on my feet again!! I got a letter from my college saying that my first part of my loan has gone through and so it just gives me some peace. Next the election: although it is not the candidate I would have liked to see have won, God sets things in motion and He knows what the future holds. I'm just glad I don't have to know, but just like everyone else I want to know, so I know how to get there and what to avoid!! Then my old youth pastor and his family left for Greece this week and it's so bittersweet. I love our new youth pastor and I know God put him there for a reason and it's for Frequency to grow, but I'm so glad for P.Tone and Jamie for their next step in life. Then there is my classes that I have to deal with on a daily basis, but recently it's been getting a lot harder to juggle work and school and then just life with my friends and family. It's hard and it's sometimes like my parents don't care. I know they do and they want me to work for everything and to go where God is leading, but right now I wish I could just have more support. Finally we hit the life of a 18 year old girl. I'm not going into any specific details, but it's hard!!! It's hard to stay focused and it's harder to just stay close to God and have to live in this world!!! I personally think it would have been easier if I would have lived in the 20's or 30's!! Yeah everything was planned for you, but you didn't have everything that this life carries and puts on you! I don't know, sometimes I think that and then other times I'm just thankful I live in the century and time period I do!!! It's just crazy right now and I know Ski Round Top opens soon and that's another job!! I'm not going to have any life once that starts!!! Is this the rest of my life?? I wish there was just some time where I could relax and just catch my breath or get away, whether it's just me or it's me and the girls!!! I just need something or some kind of encouragement!! I need some support and lovings right now!!! I know this probably sounds depressing but it's just a hard adjustment right now!!! I worked two jobs this summer, which was easy, but I didn't have to juggle with my classes and I had time to spend with the girls!! It's just crazy and I want to be able to enjoy life right now, while I still can!!! 

Why?

Recently I've noticed that every time I get in the swing and get back to where I need to be something goes wrong and then I don't know where I am any more....Today I just got some information from my brother that shook my world and I just don't know what to do!!! I had finally heard from God and I'm getting everything ready and to get that news from my brother, who is my best friend, but I just makes me ask why?!

I know that God has His own ways and does things that are mysterious and we never know what exactly He is doing, but we know that if we stay with Him and just trust in Him, He will prove himself faithful to us and will show how great He is....It's just hard in moments like these, when you finally found that green patch and then it's almost like your world just falls apart again. I know it's not my life it's his and he made the decisions, but it just hurts because he is my best friend and I don't want the same things that happen to us to happen to him. Yeah I have an amazing father who loves me and who took care of me, but still I don't want my brother to do the same thing that my dad did to us!!! Right now I just have to be supportive and just be there for him...and God will show himself faithful as usual. It's just hard and you re question yourself and every decision you make, to see if it's really the right one and in the end you just have to have a peace and just know that it was God who made the decision He just needs you to follow Him and just trust in Him and He'll see you throw it, ALWAYS!!! Peace, love and harmony....God bless!!

NSYNC!! CRAZY I KNOW

Today I just found out that my best friend from like 3rd grade was accepted to PSU Harrisburg. We have been praying about it, and he knows it's the place where God is putting him, but he needed as sign. When he asked for one, God gave him one, but recently he was starting to doubt all over again. Yesterday I told him about my dream and how I was going no matter what!! Today I got online and there was a message from him, and my first thought was something is wrong, so I quick open up the email and here it was just telling me he was accepted. It's so awesome and amazing and I couldn't have asked for more!!! As of right now he is packing to come home from West Chester and I'm packing to leave for CBC!!! We are like in sync!!! It's weird but it's awesome at the same time. Our vow to each other was to make sure the other was focused at all times and we were making sure that everything that needs to be done is done for when we transfer home and to MO!!! It's an amazing feeling and I can't express how happy I am right now...

Tonight I was planning on going to 300 night at Frequency Youth and I got all ready and everything, but I realized I needed to spend some time with my family. We talked and made dinner and it was so awesome because those are the moments I love, yeah I'll miss it, but it's time for me to start my own and get some wind under my wings!!! God has His mysterious ways at times and I can't explain them better then anyone else can, but what I can tell you is that you just have to stay strong and be faithful to Him!!! He hears you, trust me He does, but He just needs you to tell Him what's going on and just need Him for Him. I would advice you though, never just praise Him in the worst times, be sure to thank Him for all the joyful times, like making dinner with your family, or getting the answer that you needed!! Life can get so bonged down at times, but make sure you take time everyday for Him, whether it's getting up an hour earlier to do devo's or right before bed, make time for Him. Talk to Him all through out your day and I know from experience that it helps and it even makes your day that much better!!! So stay strong you were made for this!!! 

Hunt For....Peace

Recently I have been second guessing my calling and last night I finally found what I was looking for! I wanted a sign from God, that would tell me and without a doubt about it!! I have been really praying about it and I had a dream last night that had to be from God. I was walking with someone, I didn't see who it was, but the voice sounded so familiar. We stopped in front of a school and he told me "This is where I have put you. You have let people and things distract you from where I want you and where I have told you to go. I have put you here for you to grow and become closer to me, now don't doubt what I have for you. Trust in me and I will direct your path and you'll find a peace in only me! Stay focused and no more distractions Carolyn." I woke up and I wanted to find out if it was CBC and there were parts that I didn't remember but I looked at all the pictures and it was CBC!!! I'm just going to focus on Him and His plans for my life and not let anything interfere with them. Nothing is going to get in my way from being with Him. I have such a peace about it and I finally feel like I know where I belong. 

There are times where we want all the answers and we want to know right now, but that's not how God rolls. God works in His timing and only His. That's the best part, we don't always have to know everything and all we have to do is trust in Him and we will direct our paths to where He is leading us!! Right now everything is lining up perfectly and all I have to do is pray and then talk to my mom. She had me write up a list of things that I was interested in this weekend and I really didn't know. I really had no clue who I was lately, and last night we talked about my list and we were both frustrated and upset, but I just made me cry out to Him even more and made me realize that I didn't have my peace and I was walking around in the dark. This morning ever since I woke up I have a peace and I just finally feel right again!!! I love this feeling, and it's frustrating when you don't have it...but when you find it again, it's like your world and everything is perfect. Not that it's perfect, but you have a peace and a realization that you don't have to know everything!!! And that's the best part!!! The verse that just popped into my mind was Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For  I know the plans I have for  you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray for me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all nations and places wehre I have banished you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

LIFE

Recently I've been feeling like my life's not on track and I know it's probably not where it should be, but it's a work in progress. I've been battling with a lot of things in just my own life and it's hard because you repent and try to move on, but it's like you can't forget about it and just move on! Or at least for me it is!! I know I've tried so many times and it's like I finally get in a good part of my life and I know where I'm supposed to be going and then I mess up and fall. I often times think though it's because I suspect it is going to happen and then it's like I let it happen! I just have to put my foot down and when something creeps in just pray and just get back to the closeness that I once had with Him. This past year has been so draining, and I've felt it since probably April. My senior year was coming to a wrap, and it was like everything was coming undone. I was interning and a lot of people were saying some hurtful things about me and then I started rethinking my calling, until the point where I had a major breakdown. It's like that all the time, over time I just let everything build up until I explode and have a major break down. It stinks and most times I don't know it's happening until it's too late and I'm starting to breakdown. 

The worst one so far was probably the night before I was supposed to leave for CBC, my dad and I were packing up my car because I was going to drive out there myself and I was saying good bye to him that night. Everything was packed in boxes and we were loading it up and I still had like a couple of bags of clothes that I needed and it just wasn't fitting and I finally broke down and told my mom everything that I was feeling and what was going on. Everyday I try to make an effort and so does she to talk about it and to just have a conversation about our days, and for now it is really helping, but I've been thinking about next semester and not having that. I think I'm going to be making a lot of calls home and talking to her probably everyday!! Or at least emailing her. I really appreciate my mom and my family in general and I couldn't ask for any other, yeah at times we may have our differences, but what family doesn't. We talk about it and get through it and move on. They are so supportive and that's what I need right now and I just need to trust God and just get closer to Him again and get back to where I was. It's going to be hard, but so worth it in the end and I'm ready and willing right now!! I just need to stay focused on Him and keep on trucking and believing!! Well time to head to slumbertown because tomorrow is a very busy day. 1. I have to get up at like 3:3o to take my dad to work, 2. I'm having lunch with my high school Spanish teacher, Senora Skinner, 3. I have an interview with Target about a job, 4. I'm helping my friend, Shaynia with my old cheerleading team with practice for the upcoming parade next Tuesday!! So busy, busy, busy....I'm just glad I had a nice night, I went to Starbucks with my friend since 3rd grade, Sarah, to just chat and catch up and we are in the same boat. We are both leaving for college in January, and we are only like 3-6 hours apart how cool is that. We are both going to bible colleges and loving the Lord, but we both need to get our closeness back!! Well anyway good night to all.... :D

Timing Is Everything

(left my precious brothers and I)
I feel very accomplished today. I got everything done that I wanted to do, but in the process I received an injury!! I was rearranging my room and I went to move my bed across the room. I was giving it one last push into place and my leg slipped and WHACK!!! My knee went right into my headboard!! It's still swollen and black and blue which I don't think is good, but I've been icing and heating and I don't think there is anything more I can do. I'm just praying that it heals in one piece and smoothly!!! Not to mention quickly!! Things have been going a little better around here, but there is just so much going on and it's crazy!!!

Chris broke the washer, by over load, then the boys are starting basketball and then there is my life, considering I have just about 7 weeks left here with my family and friends!! I can do this though and it's a new challenge and I can't wait to see where God puts me. I'm just ready to be done with online classes, they were good while they lasted but I need some human interaction!!! I have to say, being home these couple of weeks, I think is going to really benefit me in the end and I'm so excited!!! One of my best friends made a comment the other day when I was talking to him, and he said "I'm coming home and now you're leaving!!!" I've gotten a lot of that recently but I know right now that I'm in the right place with God and I'm going to keep moving on with Him to the next level!! Don't ask me about anything after this, because I don't know, but I'm open to where ever He puts me and that is the best place to be!!! 

What I really should be doing is sleeping!!!

The past couple of days have been kind of a blur or at least right now that's how my brain is putting them. My oldest brother Zach came home because he had to pick up some information on his SUV that he just bought, for example his registration and tags and title and all the yummy goodness of buying a car. On his way up he was in an accident and wracked into the back of an old school jeep, but managed not to get hurt (which was by the grace of God). He got up to our house and wasn't in the greatest of moods, and a bunch of stuff went down and basically told my parents that he might not even come up for Thanksgiving. It really hurts especially coming from him, our family has been really close for all my life and it wasn't until recently that we all have drifted apart, but he isn't the first brother that I've "lost!" He's actually the second. I'm trying to let God handle it and be the one to control the matter, but God has proved himself to Zach so many times, and he still hasn't gotten it. I know my parents could have said somethings a little differently and we all could have but Zach has been walking away from  Him for awhile. When he first left for boot camp he was so close to God and then once he passes after his like 5th try and he went to Mississippi then that's when everything changed.

I could say that no of my brother's have been the real church goer type, but they used to put effort into it. Zach used to love coming to church and maybe it's because of his friends, but I can't really say. There are some many times in our lives where we get sucked into the rhythm of going that we really forget why we started going in the first place. It wasn't because of our friends, well maybe at first, but once you really found your place you knew without a doubt that you were so close to Him. After a while of getting used to it you lose sight of where you started you forget the key essentials of it all. I know I have been there more than once and sometimes in order to find your way back you have to start with a fresh slate and refocus. Most of the time I found that the things that got you so close the first time aren't the same the second time. God likes to do things different every time that way it makes you have to trust Him and just know that He is going to take care of it all. I have to remind myself about that from time to time, but when you find your grove again, it's like nothing can tear you away from Him. Sometimes in order to appreciate the best things in your life you have to step back from it all and get a real view and say okay, God is really giving me an eye opener!!!

SO LITTLE TO DO SO MUCH TIME!! WAIT REVERSE THAT

I know I haven't been keeping up on my writing and I should because there is a ton of stuff going on and it's so hard to keep it all bottled up!!! My trip to Panama this summer was pretty intense, not like Trinidad but it is classified in its own way!!! I intense, not like Trinidad but it is classified in its own way!!! I met some pretty amazing men and women of God and it really had me thinking about where I'm supposed to be and where God is putting me in the future!! So many times we are so impatient and we want everything right now, but that's not how God works!! It was the night before I was supposed to leave for CBC and my mom told me she couldn't drive out with me to CBC and I didn't have a problem with that, but I was just keeping everything bottled in and it was ready to explode. My dad and I were loading my car and everything was just not fitting and I had a melt down. I was so stressed, I didn't know if I was going to have enough for one semester, two, whole year, two years, or four years and I had reached my breaking point!!! 

I thought I had my whole life figured out but there was a monkey wrench throw into my plans!! Needless to say I decide that the best thing for me was to spend this semester at home taking online classes which is sooo hard but you just have to stay determined which I have been trying so hard to do. Anyway, the other night I was talking to my mom and I told her I was planning on spending the summer with my Nona and Poppy in NH and that way it would give me time to think about if I really wanted to transfer or not!! And she reminded me of Panama and how I really wanted to go back! She talked about some stuff that I never told her and she really felt that she was supposed to tell me that I was supposed to go back! So now I'm at a crossroads again in my life on whether I go or whether I stay here in the States. It would be for 5 months but I know the Lord would have bigger plans for me there!! I'm putting in my application for YWAM this week and if it's where I'm supposed to be then God will make a way. But she said I could always pick up a couple of credits here and there if I really wanted to, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do!! I just have to pray a lot and really make a decision about it and stick to it and not doubt!! 

PANAMA

so i know that i haven't blog in a while and my mom was telling me about it yesterday.... we just got back from panama on Saturday to the fact that 6 of us didn't get our luggage again!!! so this is a recap of what happened on our trip....1. our luggage was lost and we didn't get it for 2 days...2. there was no water because a line was broken....3. there was amazing things that happened....4. a lot of children gave their hearts to Jesus!!!! everything was just beautiful, and when i get my pictures developed i will post some on my facebook or even on here!!! everything went great until the end when a lot of miscommunication mixed with drama!!! but it was when we were on our way home...... but I'm really debating whether or not i should do a DTS which is a discipleship training program with YWAM....... but I'm really praying about it. maybe ill go to CBC for a year and then go to YWAM for 6 months..... there is just a really big need down there and i really feel lead to go back and help spread the good news.... so just keep that in prayer.... thanks :D

Butterfly

CRAZY!!! Lately i have been really stressed and normally it's just me stressing myself out but this time it's Mass Media.... Mass Media is a class you can take at school and it teaches you how to make movies and put special effects and music in and what not!! Well for our final project we have to make and music video and I'm doing Take It All by Hillsong United. That's not what's stressing me!!!! It's that fact that when you set up a date to film and everyone at the last minute says that they can't do that is a little stressful.... as of right now I'm planning on filming tomorrow if people actually show up and if not then it's another rain date to make up!! I just hate it when you want something done and everything just gets in the way!!! I pray that God just gives me patience and i don't lose my top over this whole thing!!! I have a dream for it and i want it to be perfect because I'm the only thus far to do a christian music video out off my teachers ohhhh 16 years teaching!! But i know God hears me crying out and he will provide!!!

CRAZY

What a crazy life is this???!!!! Demands that are so high it's a wonder how we ever accomplish them!! It just amazes me how we have strength to face the day! But then I'm reminded of the song that we sing by Hillsong United....."And it's in your presence we find strength to face the day and all our sins are washed away...Hosanna, Hosanna you are the God who saves up worthy of ALL our praises!" I know at times I lack strength or I say somethings that I shouldn't and something I really struggle with is just trusting God to be my strength and not relaying on my own! This life is hard I know, it has so many ups and downs, but more times than not we have more downs than ups. I was reading "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson and in it he wrote "if we always have 'good days' then how would we ever know when are the GREAT days?" We always pray for those good days but if we never had a bad day then when could we point out where God really used up or when we really heard from Him? We couldn't! I guess we just have to see some light on those bad days and know that God is strengthening us through those experiences or situations! God never said life was going to be easy, take Jesus for example. His own friends betrayed Him. The same people that called Hosanna wanted him dead 5 days later!! But He did tell us that if you trust in Him, He will strengthen you and set you free. Freely He gave as we demanded and He is still giving....why? Because He loves us more than anyone ever could! Because in Him we find our strength and out refugee and our strong tower firm through any storm that Satan blows our way! I hope you had a blessed Easter and continue to seek Him even in the hardest of days! God bless!

i dont know

Its been really crazy around here lately!!! Everything just seemed to unorganized and stressful that I was being to feel like I was going crazy!!! But right now it seems that everything has pretty much slowed down and I can really concentrate for the first time in a while!!! Sometimes we run around like a chicken with our head cut off and we don't really put time aside to spend with God and I know everyone is guilty of it one time or another!!! But why??? My explanation is that Satan wants us to feel overwhelmed and stressed out so we don't do what God says or we don't hear from Him......on Friday I was running late to get home on the time that I promised my parents, when I saw her!! She had run off the road and was heading straight for a telephone poll, when I heard Him tell me "if you want help, you first have to help" the story behind that is this....since buying my first car it has failed me and broken down not once but 2-3 times!!! And both times it has been on streets where there was a medium size traffic and not one person stopped and asked me if I needed help!!!! So I pull off the road and get out of my car and see if this girl was okay!!! Thankfully she had stop just 2 inches shy of the telephone poll and was crying so bad I didn't know what to do!!! We call the police and the tow truck and everything is okay but as I'm driving home I realize that the next time that my car breaks down I can count on God to send me a helper!!! Besides my DAD :D

PANAMA

WOW so on Tuesday was our first official drama practice!! I was so excited and we ended up learning only one drama.....not to blame anyone but we just had a lot to talk about with all the newbs and what not!!!! But this week has been a really crazy. Today was really nice!!! We had a 1/2 day and I was supposed to leave for interning at like 10:30ish but my bus from ACE to school ended up not coming until 11!!!! Sometimes you just have to think positive but the sad part is I'm not seeing anything positive about that though!! :D everything just seems to be coming together for this summer and then college though!!! I got a call last Sunday during dinner and here it was the coach of the girls basketball team....and he wants to meet with me when we get out there......which is next month after all!!! It's like my whole summer is already planned out with everything that is going on!!! In a way it's kind of nice because then you know exactly what you are going to be doing and when you are going to be doing it!!! for now I'm waiting to go to lunch with the other interns and discuss JJAM for this week........then work and then home to sleep. Saturday morning I have to give molly a bath and then wash her blanket then to I M Experience and then York Rescue Missions with my mom and then home!!! Sunday I have to go to first service then to work and then home!!!! WOW who would have ever thought it would be this crazy........

That is the question....

Well I was talking to someone last night about my blog and they said that they weren't to sure about whether or not to blog. They told me that somethings are really private and that they are between them and God....and I totally agree. There are just somethings that I just don't think you should blog about.......but some good things to start off with would be something that happened this week that was a real God eye opener. Or maybe how your favorite team just got knocked out of March Madness.....or some other ideas. I don't know maybe I'm taking this out of proportion but I just want to be safe and not bash anyone or hurt anyones feelings that is reading this....for instance family. Yeah I can talk about them but I want to talk about them in the way that I see them and how I love them without getting to personal!!! I don't know but maybe its something to really pray about!!! But random thought: Why does the Easter bunny give eggs if he is a bunny??? Does he steal them from the chicken or what????? very challenging :D

CRAZYNESS

WOW!!! so this week is extremely crazy right now!!! i have 3 unwanted goldfish at my house that i have to wait until it is a little warmer in order to bring them to the church where their new home is going to live!!! in remembrance of P.tone and Jamie their names are Darla, Nemo, and Dora only because the one is orange like Nemo but the bad thing is that Dora isn't blue!!! but yeah Molly, who is my dog, is so fascinated by them.....she decided that she was going to watch them until they were put up higher away from her!!! then again its always hard to keep two little brothers away from them when you are trying to do the dishes!!! i just can't wait for the summer time or at least the spring a ling a ling time!!! :D but its amazing how God is working right now!!! at times everything just seems so complicated and hard but then when you feel the most desperate its when you see things the clearest like you have been walking throw the fog and you don't know if you are going in the right direction but then when it seems that things have cleared you see that it wasn't you directing your steps but God knowing that you were SO lost!!! its really amazing!! i am just so thankful that when i am having those moments God is right there letting me know that he is the one careering me through!!! WOW!!!!

Snowy Days

i just love snowy days when they aren't filled with screaming boys and crazy dogs on the loose in our development!!! it started off great when you wake up and find out that you have no school today and its always comforting when you can still crawl back into your bed and it is still nice and cozy warm!! i just celebrate another year of life last sunday and my first missions dinner of the season!! but i was really thinking these past few days how God has truely blessed me!! my moms daughter died a couple years ago in November and at first it was really hard to deal with only because she was only 9 years old...but i just was really thinking about her and how open she was and trusting that God was going to heal her and dont we all?! we want to preach about being trusting but really we arent!!! i dont know i just cant wait to see her in heaven and thank her for being a blessing in my life and encouraging me even in the hard times!!